white walls

i'm definitely not ready to leave yet.

and i think that's the sign that it's the right time. it happened five years ago, and it's happening again. hopefully our paths cross again.

it troubles me when

simple pleasures in life (ie relaxing with friends, doing nothing, enjoying life, etc.) impede on the things i'm supposed to be doing. it's gone beyond my self-destructive, robotic directives of one task to another. there are many things that need to be taken care of, that need to be researched, that need to be filmed, that need to be edited, and most things are beyond flimy promises that i've made to people, 'clients', etc.

i see these moments of 'being young' and 'life' as blocks of time to be scheduled...to work extra hard to allow for said moments of 'living.' i showed signs of this habit in high school. it went away completely my freshman year in college, succumbing to a dorm full of others hellbent on postponing growing up. but afterwards, it felt better to retreat into work and projects. they make me happy, i'm in control. i pace myself, i know my limits.

if it comes down to matters of film, i believe i can do it. it may not win the awards my producers, actors, or director hopes to win. i never considered my work of that calibur, and if UCI has taught me anything, it's that i won't win. and that's fine. i'll seek affirmation elsewhere.

it's bureaucracy i cannot handle. it's money, it's paperwork, it's calling the embassy and calling the consulate and calling banks and receiving notices of loan rejections or ineligibility. the obligatory optimism of friends reassures me 'that i'll make it to paris, that i just have to keep going.'

but that doesn't actually get things done.

j'ai besoin de

i need $30,000 for my masters degree.
i need a bank to accept my loan applications.
i need money for food.
i need time to finish my documentaries.
j'ai besoin de l'aide.