spiderman

i had to ask my concierge to let me into the private garden today so i can break into my own apartment.

explaining breaking and entering in a foreign language is kind of hard.

thank you charlie kaufman

"there are billions of people in the world, and none of those people is an extra. they're all leads in their own stories."

children don't grow up

I won't follow you there, but I promise you. We will meet, and we will laugh.

24

i was getting tired of all my e-mails showing the wrong date and time, which is expected when one lives abroad. so i went into my account settings to check my location, and was completely and utterly shocked.

Nick Refuerzo - 15 years old, California.

It's been 9 years since I created the e-mail account. I don't know how to follow up that sentence or that thought. It's just so bizarre to me.

tu me manques

i miss being new to film.

i miss the old days of film when it was just a hobby, when it was just friends with a camera. i miss not knowing where to put a camera, not knowing how to use final cut pro, not knowing the three point lighting system. i miss the meetings where film budgets never broke $100. i miss being okay with DV.

i miss the arguments over budgets when they slowly started to climb as we got more serious. i miss the terrible auditions with LA actors, the headshots flying in from everywhere, posting on the UCI casting board.

i miss the initial amazement of the redrock or the letus, of the dvx100, the canonxl2, and how it became the things to have. i miss the trip to sammys for tapes, for apple boxes, for hmi's, for sandbags, i miss the homemade tracks. i miss staring at a 35mm adapter in awe. i miss having no idea what digiprimes were, what they did, and seeing it as alien technology.

i miss being a kid who wanted to make movies. it's not the same anymore. it's just as serious, fun, exciting and difficult. but shits not innocent anymore, and it never will be.

some christians believe a girl can pray for her virginity back if she's been raped, but they're not fooling anyone.

insanity

i wanted to write this down before i forget it all tomorrow.

lesson learned. do not drink right after getting off food poisoning medication. especially after the food poisoning was so severe i was almost hospitalized, but refused to be hospitalized because of "film meetings."

as i bought my sub sandwich and was getting change, i realized, "i may pass out." i took the change, said merci beaucoup, bonne soiree, and was leaving the place when i realized: i could not see.

everything was black.

i knew i had friends around me and could hear them, and i think it's kind of a strange unbelievable thing to hear when a friend tells you "i honestly can't see." so i sat for a bit, started sweating, sat outside to try and throw up but failed, and just sat while my vision slowly returned. and as it returned it was strange. all the colors were mixed up, it was as if someone applied a strange filter on photoshop. it was probably one of the most terrifying experiences ive ever had, and i really like my attitude throughout the whole debacle:

"just give me 5 minutes."

lesson learned.

food poisoning

i am not sure if im getting better or not. the scary symptoms returned this morning, and so i took more medicine and feel better. i would've hoped that after a day that shit would pass.

i had one of those cliche moments when you don't recognize yourself in the mirror. spring is coming and i can't hide all the weight i've lost with baggy jackets. im broke, and if i do have any amount of money to spend i put towards my movie, which gets sucked up by my loan.

who keeps raising the stakes? who keeps putting obstacles? stop it already. im dead. im tired. sick. stop. i just want to make my movie.