behind

today i did another interview for "slow through eden." then i had the wonderful idea to watch the work of people roughly my age from around the country.

do i stand a chance against these monsters? they only need a semblance of a voice, a heart, or a message. their technical wizardry and ability to compose a shot makes up for everything else. execution is flawless and propels whatever idea they have into god-like territory. they could film clouds moving and flowers swaying (which they do) in their 3500 dollar cameras with their 2000 dollar adapters and their 800 tripods and their 3000 dollar lighting setups and their 1000 lcd monitors and you've got a moving picture show that will destroy an audience with its instant beauty.

i'm a little behind, and i can't see myself catching up unless i stumble upon a large fortune, or rely on a DP. but i really do believe that i need to prove myself a filmmaker first before i can even begin to rely on others, despite the fact that filmmaking is collaborative process. fuck that. i want to learn to to be self-reliant first. i want to learn how to film something by myself first before i begin relying on the dozens of talent needed to make a film. me first. me first. me first.