EICAR.

it's 1:40AM, or near, or around that time. it's cold when i leave my bed, and it's hot when i'm in it. i have to be awake in about 5 hours. i'm sick, i keep coughing, and throughout the day i was quite dizzy.

every now and then i absolutely cannot sleep. i would wake up constantly and go on the internet for a little bit, read some news, watch some cartoons, anything, to get my mind off of things.

i had written a long, long complaint about my school. i had vomitted my concerns onto this blog and found it whiney, vulgar, and honest. maybe i shouldn't have deleted it. i don't know.

what i do know is that 18,000 euros is a lot of money...a lot of money that i, nor my family, has. it's too late to take the money and run. despite the money remaining in my account, waiting to be wired, there are evil strings sutured into my and my family's future. the question of whether or not i return next year is really fucking muddled thanks to this first year at EICAR, EICAR's bank, and my wallet.

and honestly. honestly. if i only have a couple DV movies to show for my year at EICAR...if i had fought for HD or film and had lost...well.

there will be plenty of sleepless, late night blogs.